Nothing for me
by Jordan202
Summary: A story about Lily and Rufus, their past, their present and their situation in general. TV show, set after episode 13. Lifus centric. Romance, Drama.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: This is my first Gossip Girl fanfiction and it's completely R/L-centric. I'm going to portray their past and present, mixing both in my chapters. This first one shows how everything started.

I apologize for the grammar mistakes, but English isn't my mother language and I never really had any classes or something like that, so don't be surprised when you see a misspelling and so on… I appreciate all the critics and thank you for coming here and reading my fanfiction! I sincerely hope you like it!

**Manhattan, 19 years ago**

Lily tapped her fingers against the sofa impatiently. Why the hell was it taking her so long?

"Lilian" Celia Rhodes' voice was heard out loud. It was barely a whisper, but the tone was harsh enough for her daughter and everyone else around her to know that Celia Rhodes was a serious person.

"Mother?" Lilian tried not to look so anxious, when her mother stood up in front of her wearing a solitary she had so much been longing for. Present of her next husband to be, Lily figured.

"I'm going out with Henri now" Her mother referred to the French billionaire who had recently proposed "We're going to meet some friends at the Four Seasons and as I had told you, we'll be staying in South Hampton for the weekend," Celia reproved Lily's outfits with her look "Please, Lilian, do not go out like that. I have no idea why I still take you to shop with me, you don't wear anything we buy. I don't even want to ask where you get those outfits from".

Lily stopped a big sigh from coming and looked at herself. She was wearing her pajama pants and a gray T-shirt where two Lilies could easily fit inside. That was the shirt that he wore to sleep and that now belonged to her. It was her favorite because no matter how many times she washed it, she felt like his scent would always linger there.

"Be nice for once in your life, will you?" Celia softened her gaze a little, reaching her very own limit of being maternal.

"Don't worry about me, mom. I'll probably go to bed early because tomorrow Sophie and I are going to have breakfast together". Lily lied, with the most innocent look in her eyes. She had become an expert at that over the past two years.

"Goodbye, Lilian" Celia waved and had the chauffer carrying her cases to the car.

It was raining hard and fast outside and through the window of the penthouse in the corner of Madison Avenue with 62th St., Lily could watch her mother's car getting more distant.

So she waited. One, two, five minute had passed. Grabbing the phone, she dialed the same familiar number.

It took him less than an hour. Minutes when Lily had waited with anticipation, running straight to the building's corridor when she heard the sonorous 'ding' from the elevator.

As soon as she saw him, Lily jumped in his arms, wrapping both her legs around his waist and the sound of that familiar giggle was the best thing she heard that day.

"Did you miss _that much_?" He joked, whispering the words into her mouth, as Lily captured his lips with hers.

"You have no idea" She said, feeling the tight embrace of his strong arms around her delicate frame.

Rufus shut the door with his leg and they fell on the fancy couch. Lily loved having the weight of his body on the top of hers, especially when he caressed her in that sexy and yet so delicate way only Rufus was capable of.

"How was your week, babe?" He asked, laying his head on her chest, still wrapped in Lily's legs.

"Okayish" She mumbled, feeling the smell of his shampoo. Rufus might not have been close to have access to all the things she did, but that never stopped him from being always clean and smelling great, which she loved "Kinda sucked from Monday until a few minutes ago, when you came to make my day! All that crap about our senior year and my mother has been annoying me so much with that Michael van der Woodsen talk".

"That guy whose facial expression seems like he has shit inside his nose?"

Lily laughed and nodded with her head, running a hand through Rufus' hair.

"She actually thinks she'll make me date him. I guess she thinks only because he's only 2 years older and a lot millions more wealthy, I'll actually be interested in him. She forgets that I'm not her".

"Thank God" Rufus pinched her on the stomach, his face still lying on the curve of her breasts "Poor guy, I bet Cece is filling his head with ideas".

"I have no doubts" Lily said.

They laughed, in a time where they innocently thought they were actually smarter than Celia. What they didn't know was that it wasn't a matter of smartness, but power. Celia Rhodes not only had power, but also influence and a strong personality. She would never give up on persuading Lily to leave that humble boy from Brooklyn. Two years ago, Lily had made her think they had broken up for good, but what none of them knew is that it was only a matter of time until Celia found out about them.

"How about you, how was your week?"

"Hm, Derek and I finished the arrangements for a new song".

"What is it about?"

Rufus lifted his head and looked straight into her eyes.

"You"

The smile Lily gave him made all the effort he had put into composing it worth. It was a magic smile, that reached all the way over to her eyes and her soul and it was the most precious thing in Rufus' world. For an eighteen year old boy filled with hopes and dreams, there was a life waiting for him to take on just around the corner. What he didn't know was that unlike he thought, Lily wouldn't accompany him through every step he made.

They had been through so much together… At first, they met at one of Rufus' band concerts. They were both almost 16 back then. Rufus was a free soul and Lily was a rebel. The minute his eyes caught the sight of that blond girl with a demanding expression on her face and the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, he knew he had lost his heart to her. It had taken him weeks to convince her to go out with him, and within a few months, Lily made the mistake to introduce him to her mother as his date to her Cotillion. Celia had done everything to break them apart, and that included offering Rufus a large amount of money, which he had refused. They lived 6 weeks of hell until Lily decided to tell her mother she and Rufus were done. And ever since, they had been keeping their relationship under the covers. Only Lily's best friend and Rufus band mates knew about their romance and until they figured out what to do next, they would enjoy the time they had together as they always had done.

And that was their routine. Sneaking out in late hours to meet up in places Lily's mother would definitely disapprove, rides in his motorcycle around the city, cheating boring classes to lie in any corner of the Central Park to talk and make out for long hours. Rufus loved Lily above all things; she was his everything, the closest thing to a family he had ever met and his constant inspiration for every breath of every tomorrow. He knew he couldn't provide her all the luxury she was accustomed to, but there was one thing Lily would always be able to find in him: love.

It was almost ten o'clock now, and Rufus had told his father he'd spend the night out. Ever since his mother had died, when Rufus was only a boy, he had learned how to be independent and his father wasn't exactly the best father in the world, but he trusted his son, and Rufus was really grateful for that.

"Wanna go upstairs and make out," Lily ran a finger through his back, under his shirt, sending shivers all over his body "Or do you want to stay here and make out?"

Rufus sat and pulled her to the top of him, inverting positions. He kissed the life out of her and then pulled her up, leading them both upstairs, where they got themselves tucked in Lily's bed, and got rid of all pieces of clothes, repeating that ritual they both had become so good at.

Rufus had been her first. It had happened about one year ago, in a night just like this one. The rain was pouring outside and they were at the back of his garage, curled up in each other's arms seeking for warmth. It hadn't been planned and that was Lily had loved more about it. Rufus was so gentle and so romantic that every time they went to bed together, she felt like it was as special as their first time.

"I'm gonna tell you a secret" Rufus leaned over, supporting his head on his arm as his elbow touched the soft mattress "Andy spoke with the guys downtown yesterday and they're really positive about getting us a contract. I don't want to jinx it, but I had to bring this up"

"This is great!" Lily exclaimed, getting a kiss on the lips.

"We're probably going on tour this summer, Lil" He rubbed his hand on her face, in a gesture that was so personal of him "Imagine the places we'll see, the people we'll meet…"

"We?" Lily's eyes sparkled.

"Of course" Rufus laughed "You didn't think I was going to leave you behind, right? No, honey. You're my number one groupie".

"Oh, shut up!" Lily hit him with a pillow and when they both started to giggle, they realized how tired they were. Putting back their clothes on, Lily felt Rufus arms wrapping her waist and when she leaned her head against the pillow and felt his breath against the back of her neck, she finally relaxed, resting peacefully for the night.

It seemed like things would get on track for the both of them and she couldn't wait until after her high school graduation, when she would be free to go with Rufus and they would finally have the chance to chase after their dreams together.


	2. Chapter 2

Manhattan, 2008

_**Manhattan, 2008**_

Lily looked across her shoulder expecting to see some familiar faces. It was the annual charity event to raise funds for children with cancer and this year, the festivity was taking place at the Carlyle Hotel. 

"Can I get you a refill?" Bart asked, showing up surprisingly behind Lily.

"That'd be good, thank you" Lily nodded, handing the empty glass to him. 

They had been there for nearly half an hour and she was already bored to death. Well, she knew it was for a good cause, but sometimes, she didn't understand why they couldn't just donate the money and get that over with. Of course, buying new clothes for the event, getting all dressed up and hearing the nasty comments about some women's crimes of fashion was entertaining, but lately, not even that sounded fun anymore.

Lily didn't know, but Bart knew that. He had noticed how Lily tried to hard to fit in, which was odd, because normally, Lily van der Woodsen would shine and fit in graciously no matter where she was. But it was often that he had this feeling that no matter how close she stood to him, she always millions of miles away.

"Something in your mind, Lily?" He asked politely. 

"No" She lied.

Fine. Bart knew she was lying, but he wanted to respect her privacy. There was no point asking, she wouldn't tell, anyway.

"I'm just thinking of Serena" Lily said, after minutes of silence. 

"Did something happen to her?"

"Good things" Lily smiled genuinely when she thought of her daughter "She's made a lot of progress. I don't know, ever since she came back home, she doesn't look like the same person she was and I'm happy with her changes. I think-" Lily hesitated "I think for the first in her life, Serena is making the right choices".

"I'm happy for her too" Bart said, taking a sip of his scotch "Your daughter is a great kid, Lily".

"Yeah, she is".

And that was it. 

End of conversation.

Lily wondered if for the rest of her life she would have to stand those long and awkward minutes of silence, which she spent trying to think of something to say but realizing she and Bart ran out of topics. Unconsciously, she thought of the moments she spent with Rufus, in which she usually couldn't just shut her mouth. God, he made her feel so comfortable around him… Comfortable enough to say anything that was on her mind. 

And then of course, there were those moments where they would be around each other and they simply wouldn't say a word, but she still felt comfortable all the same. What she didn't really know was that it had a name, and it was called intimacy. Lily tried hard not to compare both men, because she knew what conclusion she would take, but it was hard to deny to herself that Rufus was definitely a better company than Bart.

She loved the life she had in the highest social rounds, but sometimes she closed her eyes and remembered of the times were she could walk around the house in her pajamas, barefoot, or when she could just go outside to a grocery shop without having to worry about make up or if her clothes were nice enough. Sometimes, worrying so much about appearances got her so tired that all she wanted to do was tuck herself in her bed and never leave it again.

"I know this is being boring to you" Bart's voice brought her back to reality "I have an important meeting tomorrow in L.A., so we have an excuse to leave earlier, don't worry".

Lily nodded once again and followed Bart through the room. He got caught up with a group of partners discussing business and she ran her eyes through the room, waving discretely to some people. And then, her eyes found more that she was looking for.

What was he doing there? That was the last place she expected to see him! But when she saw the guitar in his hands and some other guys carrying music instruments, she understood.

Lily felt sorry for Rufus because she knew what he was feeling. He was heartbroken and in a way, she was too, because he had told her he was still in love with her, but she wouldn never admit she reciprocated the feeling. It had been difficult enough to admit it to herself. She could imagine what Rufus felt because when she had seen with Alison, her world had crashed too. Been there, done that. Same old story.

Rufus captured her eyes with his and for the first time since she could remember, he didn't smile with the situation. Lily felt something pounding heavy inside her chest and tried to look away, but she couldn't. Not when he stared at her like that. She took a few steps towards him and stopped in a safe distance.

"Hello, Rufus".

"Lily" He looked to the guitar in his hands to avoid her eyes.

"I have to say I'm surprised to see you here"

"Unfortunately, I can't tell you the same" Rufus replied harshly.

Lily hated that. She missed the times when they made jokes about each other without that heavy atmosphere. Her mind raced to years in the past, to that awful day when she was forced to say goodbye. She looked at the man standing in front of her now and in her mind, she saw the image of him nineteen years younger. The details of his face were a bit different, but the hair and that sad look in his eyes still remained the same and remembering the words they had said to each other back then, Lily felt her heart breaking all over again, like it happened every time she thought about that moment.

"If you didn't want to see me, why did you take this job in the first place?" She demanded of him, trying to hold a tough expression on her face.

"Unlike you, some of us don't have billionaires to support us" Rufus kept his harsh speech, and Lily decided it was better to back off before he said something else she didn't want to hear.

"Rufus, I am sorry" The words came out her mouth before she could think. It was barely a whisper and yet so loud inside his ears. Rufus looked her in the eyes one more time and read the message she was begging for him to understand.

Lily confused him with harsh words and eyes that begged for forgiveness every time she did something that would hurt him. It felt as if she knew she was doing something wrong, and at the same time her mind and her mouth told him that he should go, her eyes and her heart were already regretting what she was saying.

"Can you excuse me, Lily? I still have some stuff here to organize".

Lily left the room without another word and locked herself in the lady's room. How could he be so mean after all the things he had said?

But her image in the mirror asked her how _she_ could be so mean after everything _he_ had said. He had split up with his wife, he had said he regretted letting her go. Rufus had confessed he missed her and then, he had made Lily want to leave everything behind again by saying he was still in love with her. And even after all that, she had despised his love and chose Bart instead of him.

Once again, she chose her lifestyle and her social reputation instead of him.

Lily fixed her make-up and when she saw Bart so caught up in the conversation with his investors, she realized there were still many minutes of hell for her to go through.

Switching her empty glass of champagne for a full one, Lily went to the other side of the lounge, where there was absolutely no one. Opening one window, she let the rush of fresh air to run through her hair. Lily lost the notion of time and had no idea how much time she had spent there contemplating the city when she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

"Lily?"

Turning around, she saw Rufus closing the door behind his shoulder. 

He took a few steps in her direction, standing in front of her.

"Are you okay? I didn't see you there anymore, but he's still there. I was worried".

"Rufus…" Lily once again begged, rolling her eyes slowly to look up, trying to hold back the tears.

"Shhh" He did what he had been waiting to do for so long. 

Rufus wrapped one arm around her and felt, after all those years, their bodies close again. Her familiar smell intoxicated him and he couldn't believe he was feeling once again something he had kept only in his memory. It was and had always been his favorite scent. 

Lily touched his shoulder with her forehead, loving the sensation to be in his arms and at the same time, loathing herself for still being so weak around him.

"I just came here to say that I am sorry too" Rufus ran his other hand through her hair, gently massaging it. "I saw the way you left and you know that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I simply can't stand to see you like this. And no matter how hard I try to hate you, I…"

Lily looked up and met his eyes, waiting anxiously for the rest of the sentence that never got to be said. She waited for seconds, impatiently, but in the end, she realized there was no need for him to say what she already knew.

"I wish things didn't have to be like this".

"They don't" He whispered.

"Don't make this harder than it already is, please…"

Rufus went against what she had just said by holding her tighter. Her body was now against his masculine chest and her eyes could capture every little detail of his face that she remembered so well. 

Lily closed her eyes waiting for the inevitable. Their kisses in the past had always been an explosion of feelings, tension of hormones. Back then, it simply felt like none of them could get enough. And now, he brushed his lips softly against her, waiting to see her reaction. At the same time, together they opened their mouths and Lily gently bitted his lower lip, kissing him, only this time, it was deeper. Their tongues met and Lily got once again to experience that. 

The first and yet very best kiss she had ever tasted. 


End file.
